My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
