I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
