I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize