My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
