I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
