i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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