The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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