I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Did you pee in the oven last night??
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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