He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Randomize
