you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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