That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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