Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
