Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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