how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
