Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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