When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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