im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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