So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize