Just took my morning after pill in the library
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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