OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
