Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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