Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
