I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
