I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize