He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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