saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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