Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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