her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
