my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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