I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
