It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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