Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize