i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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