I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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