Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
