Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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