I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
