my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
