Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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