the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
