I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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