I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
