Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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