i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
