Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
