How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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