im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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