I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
