I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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