Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
