so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
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