Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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