So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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