Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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