That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
