Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
