His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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