She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Congratulations! We have a period
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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