it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
