and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
