Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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