Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
