I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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