Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
