i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Sober January is a disaster.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
