so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
