the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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