sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Randomize
