Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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