turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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