hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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