i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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